April 26, 2026

I can't tell if I have too much going on or too little. Maybe it's just the lack of patience, my mentor put up a green post it note that is visually imprinted in my thoughts that said "Patience".

I am getting older but still in the grand scheme young although we never know the uncomfortable thought of how much longer we will live, I think that is why rest and me have a needed oil and water relationship.

When I am alone resting, I feel manic where I do not know what to do with myself. Maybe it's just the large amount of tasks to do, that I would like to get around to, like finishing up some of the work I need to do or maintaining relationships, forgive me but God it is a big plate.

When I grew up I always went in and out of being totally there and not there, there was a lot of great memories alone as well with friends.

In 2023 I somehow had so much energy but I did "crash" at the tail-end and I think that is due to frankly God gently pulling the plug on that lifestyle as it was not going to get me where I wanted to go, at that same time I fell in love with my Girlfriend and God and I found each other so it was frankly with what I knew at the time incompatible with my previous lifestyle.

I skipped church today as I wanted some me time. I wanted to finish up the calculator on this website as I talked to a lady friend yesterday and she was looking into buying a home with her boyfriend, I can't help but want to help as finances I tend to be very good at even though my lifestyle is absorbing a lot of my savings capacity I don't really care, the money is not coming with me anyways, I want to be happy NOW — time preference theory taking place here hehehe

I think this is why the concept of God really intrigued me as it just feels like a unlimited topic to be discovered, so many things have formulas yet God does not.

That's where my conclusion that simply loving your neighbor is the best possible use of time, heck I even love insects as much of a carnivore as I am, I have a very difficult time disposing of insects.

Jeez this makes me sound depressed, like a depressive manic thing — disorder I think it is but I don't know these labels should not define people, we are all imperfect in our own ways, even the Mormon's with all their discipline and beliefs often times fall prey to sin.

And for the record, I do not mean traditional sin as implied by the New Testament. What is good and sin is very difficult to define, Paul try's but fails. I think Jesus in his original pre-adultured text is in the ballpark more than most but even if you compare deities, you see they all have some things in common on what good is, and if I am remembering correctly it is loving your neighbor but then we need to define what the heck "loving" is.

My preliminary thought is that is treating someone how you would want to be treated. I will need to study this more, I need to study more in general if I want to continue winning — winning defined by me is being better than the man in the mirror, and better for me is defined as physically healthier, financially accumulating more + giving and frankly I just do not want to be attached to money — it always does more harm than good, spiritually knowing God more (what a loaded task).

I want to be liked and have character, not be a generic follow the book kinda guy, I mean we can all be segmented into groups but me more of a renaissance or universal person that does not get limited by boundaries or other humans.

One of my biggest mistakes in my life although needed growing opporutunity was attending a Baptist church in mid-2025, they were very fallible but acted like they followed God to the words and I brought up to them the biggest point about Paul and even was arguing about the Greek translation and I am just thinking, you know what, what a f waste of time, I was burnt out by the end of it so I discontinued my spiritual train for a short period of time.

I just concluded that God, if he does judge, would put this group of people who follow the bible (not God) to the T in a similar area as probably someone that does not believe in God for the simple reason that I believe the being that created everything, would just be proud like a Father of someone's heart and character especially via their actions. I am trying to puzzle this all together still so it's a work in progress.

I am envious of the people that just love endlessly, very few people I have ever met that do that.

I need to spend time with my friends, specifically my roommate and Brother, I could go on — there is so many people that I need to talk to from Idaho, North Carolina, Oregon and onwards ugh, it's always a lot to talk to them.

It's not like how it used to be where okay everyone after school get on Xbox. Nostalgia is hell of a drug.

Speaking of, for my Birthday — I think I am trending towards asking for things that touch on that nostalgia.

I have been thinking about writing another html blog about all of my earliest memories, I am forgetting things from the past more and more (not in a concerning way) so want to make sure I keep track of all of these memories.

I really want to find my old Xbox 360 (or just get a new one) to see my old Minecraft worlds, I have a slight urge to play Beta 1.7 Minecraft again.

I remember a memory playing MC back in 2009 or 2010 where I was really wishing they had horses, I was farming chickens and having one as a pet and I enjoyed the idea of surviving, so I would stay in the winter biome, anyways I would try to use a pig as a horse and that did not last too long for many reasons particular speed.

I love the idea of always feeling happy but I feel like that's not what life is about, it's hard to enjoy the light without the darkness.

I like the idea of trying to get this whole happiness thing figured out prior to having a kid but maybe that would be a catalyst to doing such that.

Wow it's already 12pm and I have just written this. I just finished my Lean Six Sigma course and it was so applicable to life, it's process not people.

OKAY let me wrap this up, I need to spend some time doing college to feel productive, I need to eat my leftovers — I think my Mom wanted to eat out but I hate the idea of spending her money like that, I need to just FREAKING RELAX — stop making everything into a chore / activity based day, just live.