a forced sanctuary away from everything.

I get some of my best writing done in airplanes, you know I love them and they are brilliant in so many ways but the most under appreciated idea of them that are really going away is the fact that it's a forced sanctuary away from everything, arguably modern day life. I sit and try to read everytime I go an airplane or sleep. It varies truly.

I wanted to write down my thoughts, now obviously I'm in a state of mind that may not reflect how I truly am feeling but given the last few days of context, I feel like there's enough built up to the point that I can make determinations on life. Right now I'm flying to Branson Missouri for an executive retreat, it's 10am but I've been up since 4am - tired.

This last week I made some of the most dramatic changes in my life maybe ever. I view relationships and your partner as one of the most critical decision a person can make. It truly can make or break your goals depending on how much you care. I say that because you can also take another path of just simply not caring about the other persons feelings. However, fortunately unfortunately I care enough to let it influence my decision making. I decided to put a pause or frankly a dissolution of my current relationship with my partner, ugh I hate that word, I just feel like ex, girlfriend, person, friend etc just don't apply right now as it's a bit in limbo. It just sucks because I care about her greatly however this dissolution feels like a necessary evil / driver for her and I. I can say confidently that this is the first relationship where I was not outright the problem, in fact I don't think either of us were the problem I think it was just a matter of growing apart and a series of habits of environment variables that decreases the odds of success for her and I.

It's unpleasant but a very natural thing to just sometimes not grow together and perfectly together. I feel another area I failed was although I did a fabulous job a majority of our relationship, I didn't commit myself to the relationship in a typical way for me, it was a very pragmatic relationship for me, one where it was clearly the smartest best choice but the timing was not ideal as she struck my life right when I was non-chalant, not caring and just not a romantasist so in my opinion that set a base line or foundation of low energy.

I don't think that dictated our day to day together as again, I feel our day to day was suffice, not great but far from bad. I guess it goes back to how you define what a great relationship looks like, everybodies is different. I have trouble even thinking about what a great one looks like for me but I will say progress is huge for me, one of my main disatisifers in the relationship was just stagnation, it never felt like it was progressing or going anywhere, my friend called it stale. I don't disagree. It's hard to imagine the idea of even marriage if there is no progress and for me, I want my queen (a person whom I'm married to and care deeply about)

I don't feel her and I failed, I just feel we had grown far apart at the point of the end that it was in both of our best interests to call it a wrap. It doesn't mean that she or I might not come around again, typically an ex always come back around at some point. The area that I feel I failed was truly the matter of complacency and codependency. I actually love a codependent relationship, I feel like a woman that I'm in love with holds more value than ever career ambitions as important as those are for the modern day world. However I failed with the matter of codependency because in my opinion, I became her safe space for everything and that safe space became far too comfortable and I frankly didn't have the courage to be more adamant about her growing. I won't say I didn't try as I felt I did communicate my concerns b it not in a pressing matter.

The separation has made me feel better as a whole truly, I would be lying if I said I don't feel happier, I have moments of melancholy but that's natural. Frankly I think I have been clocked out for some time or in regards to trend lines it was going south. If I had to pinpoint exactly when I'm not sure, it felt like we had everything together but I think it was matter of nails into a coffin as they say that caused it.

The points I can think of are the separation of myself from my family, I spend ALOT of time with my family and I truly care for them so much - particularly my sister and mom - I do care for my brother greatly too but he's a grown man so it's a bit different dynamic, it's almost like a best friend dynamic where with my mom and sister I got vacuumed into the role of being an almost father figure head of house. Being away from them and not spending time with them sucked frankly, but where I value my family and where she valued her family were not very compatible, I was always disappointed and although I understood - that I wasn't able to build a better relationship with her mom, dad and brother.

Not going in order but I think another nail was giving up so fast on going to live her dreams, there was a moment where she was really really giving it a good shot to go to an Ivy League school which would have done her so freaking well for her spirit, she gave up too early. That's not compatible with me, and I can't respect that. Giving up is not in my vocabulary, yeah there is cutting your losses or hedging but if it's achievable - we will achieve it. Failure is not an option. Relentless execution. It wouldn't have mattered if it wasn't her dream. If her dream was to be a stay at home mom then maybe this would be a different story as I just wanted her to be fulfilled.

Something that maybe I undervalued or didn't focus on enough primarily because I'm not ready is she didn't want kids, I need kids. I would honestly say it's a requirement to have at least one, I don't want to be too greedy. Being a Dad is a dream of mine, I have been watching videos of Matt Damon and frankly he's become almost like a spirit animal for me, he relentlessly executes and uses his talents in his career but also is grounded enough to love his wife and 4 kids, what a role model! At the end of the day, the timing and placement of our end was frankly divine. I was clocked out. I needed something to just call it a day with the relationship and it all sorted itself out to allow me to leave understandably, I have very good argument to leave frustrated and angry but that does no good.

My life moving forward is going to be excellent, I have never been more driven and maybe it's the increase in time available (which I value considerably) or new faces in my life. Probably a mix of both, I see the potential for myself. I'm going to restart YouTube, continue to grow these relationships I care about and finish my college. My college is number one priority as I need the flexibility and leverage to determine where my career path is going to go. I love the idea of moving to a bigger city but my career ambitions may keep me grounded to where I'm at for some time. I want to take over operations and become underneath the CEO. I know I can, I just need to lock the fuck in. And frankly I'm doing that, our revenue is growing considerably fast but I need it grow faster, I need my successes to get off the finish line and with great success. Thankfully my mentor and I are locked in on next steps. Now it's just a matter of action. And there is no shortage of that with me. We need some big wins, some big hits. It's critical that yes be patient but I move fast so I can continue to grow so I can support my family and future.

The thing is there is just such incredible people on this planet and frankly no shortage of them, yes there is a lot of wrong but everyone has a soul and was divinely crafted, God puts in the right people in your life at the right time. Don't ignore divine timing and it's very obvious when something is on God's timing vs your own. I was never too big into the theology of God's sovereignty but I surly know that playing God and not loving your neighbor do more harm than good. We're not evaluated based on a few moments of time, we are evaluated based on consistent direction and choices.

I decided I'm going to go to NYC and Boston to grow as a person and learn where I want to go and do with my life and also frankly motivate myself to achieve my full potential. Too often it's easy to take the easy road. Not in my life, I'm going to choose the right road even if it has collateral. Now if God puts a road off the beaten path then you better dang well take it as he controls the roads anyways.

I think one of the things about me ending the relationship that is unique is that I feel it was really for her best interest, other breakups have been in my own interest. Frankly a very easy road would have been to just have her and I settle. I watched a movie called the graduate and at the end that's just how I feel I would've felt about the relationship, it would've been just lackluster for her and I.