1440 minutes. not getting them back.

These last few days have been very interesting for me, in my business meeting I had to turn up the heat quite a bit with my colleagues as they outright missed my shipment, frankly I could have done a lot to prevent that but its easy to forget, you could've been perfect in retrospect always - shoulda coulda woulda yeah yeah yeah life goes on.

I was successful at turning up the dial quite a bit in the intensity department but I do not want the team to feel like I am an emotional loose cannon, my CFO said although he completely understands, did it really solve anything? I did not feel it did but it is really just building a narrative that OPs can't deliver as that is factual.

It does not matter anyways, my influence in the company is growing all over through my leadership and that sounds holy moly egotistical however my main feeling is that I want to deliver the best results possible and make this a $1b company. My new customers has been up 310% from last year so I need to keep the momentum up and then execute some of these projects I am working on, when were up this much here and 800% worse than our competitors in other areas, it leaves a lot to be desired.

I could talk about work all day but at the end of the day, it is going great, I just wish I got paid my bonus on time..

Had a big old ordeal with my sister when I was visiting her house, she was being a teenager and lied and lied about her whereabouts. I understand this is teenage behavior but when you're a PRETEEN with a dead battery with bums late at night - yeah I am going to be worried. We executed some new rules for her which are frankly very light in the grand scheme of things but necessary.

It's really sad for me, her and my Dad are the saddest parts of my life. I wish I could do so much more for her and with her, be a better brother, I get depressed thinking about her when she was young - I have a mountain of regrets and I feel everyday that I have failed her even though it is not my fault as I cannot control the variables that would make me feel like a success.

She will turn out okay but damaged from the family BS, I hope it does not leak into her relationships too hard although they will to an extent. I give myself a hard time for as young as I am with no kids, but it's just a feeling I cannot control. I really do love her and care for her as difficult as our relationship can be, I wish I did not need or have the urge to try and replace the father figure in her life, I was designed and put on Earth to be her brother and it's easy to forget that.

I was going to write about my financial materialism but what a waste of f&&&ing energy. Does not come with you when you die. We need to live. Now how do we define living? Without getting too deep, living to me is killing possible avenues of regret. "I should have" should not exist with a person who is living. Anytime you or myself say that it's just missed opportunity to live.

At the end of the day, we spend 1440 minutes that we are not getting back. Another year, another decade, then what? We need to be at a point where we can accept fate and be content and maybe even happy, now this is coming from a young ol person but seriously - start f living. You only live once.

We do not need to be letting off bombs or grenades now, I ponder what and if God judges. If you cause collateral to other people, I think both scenarios with God that judges or does not judge is unfavorable. I say this but I am thinking of a few scenarios where I had to make the best decision for me, but here we go again - what the hell even is the "best" decision? Too subjective. We just make up whatever society tells us is good, I mean hell for some people hating on anyone except their color, sexuality, opinions, feelings is completely acceptable - last I checked Jesus was very clear to love your neighbor.

Believe in him or not, I do believe, loving your fellow human is a good decision - ahh crap here we go again - Agape? Eros? Philio? There is so much depth to love! so my questions for myself at this point is what is "good", what is "love", does God "judge"? Maybe this is part of being human is to just not know. Too much crap in my brain. I'd live to a 5 Why's analysis on why are we even here. Why are we designed in this matter? I am going to stop while I am ahead or I will venture into psychosis land.

I am playing Majora's Mask right now, wish me luck. I will probably beat it in 2027 at the rate I play games. My birthday is coming up, I am excited but I am mind blown on how old (yes I know I am young) I am turning.. I was just a teenager, or is that the imposter syndrome talking.

I like writing this.. This is raw thoughts, I do not think I will regret staying up a little bit later just laying it out and putting it on the web. THIS is what the web is for. Connection. Learning. Loving (still trying to define). My still favorite thing is to just web surf, learn about people and their interests and their thoughts.

I hate hiding behind a mask, so I just choose to be exceptionally selective when I put one on, even at work in a very professional setting (debatable) I am just honest. One of my quirks is that I hate the stupid auto response of how are you doing? "GOOD" - yeah I know you do not want to spend the energy but come on? You're really doing good 100% of the time? Are you really living? My answers are typically busy, solid, alright/content or tired as I have a very terrible sleep schedule at times, although lately better.

I have seen far too many people fail because they do not have the capacity from either trauma, straight issues, or etc. and look there is no right or wrong scenario, just try to keep the collateral down okay? As I was saying, Time will always be #1 but connection is #2 in the world of value, time spent with loved ones is exponentially more valuable than alone.

So back to my point, in my head, I want to do the most valuable action on the planet and spend every living moment with her, family and friends. I worry that all of this is bogging our relationship down in my head, these thoughts require patience, a grand amount of it. If you know me, I am very patient but do I want to be patient with my own life? Not really. I want to go, go, go and not regret anything. The reality is your life is always a hair away from negative life. If you reach the negative, you are out of the game of life.

It's nice writing out these thoughts. This baggage. This truth. Not everything I say is fact and will probably change hell maybe within a week, but this is the current state not the future state, who knows what the future holds.

I think I underappreciate my Mom even as much as I appreciate her, and I only say that because the emotions don't sting as much as my Dad's. I'd kill for just a day where he wanted to spend real authentic time with me, such a rare thing. I see him every Wednesday but I may as well not. What a shame. He has his own baggage from his beyond messed up childhood, it's a shame he carries on that weight to his own family. I think deep down he knows what he needs to do.

I don't know, it's hard to write him off, I am not sure you ever can with a Dad. It's a spiritual relationship.

I think my family wrestles with the same question, I think it's his damage from his own family, there is a chance he does not know how to be a Dad, but here we go with living and collateral - the collateral of him living is massive to myself, family, his friends, etc. what a waste of human life, I think when he is on his death bed he will think otherwise. Maybe it's just the nostalgia. The past weighs a lot more than the present and future. The weight is massive, don't ever underestimate it.